I had no idea what else to title this post. I'm gonna chalk it up to hormones, but it's a little more than that. I'm feeling worn down about infertility. I'm in the middle of lots of other exciting things, but that nagging feeling of being childless stills creeps up on me, even at fun BBQs.
I hate the pregnant woman at the party who already has a 1 1/2 year old kid and refers to her baby bump as "Vegas." Of course, she's normal. What does that make me?
In another life we could be instant friends, bonding over our similarly aged children. Instead, I'm infertile, and I'm avoiding eye contact at all costs, because talking to her would mean talking about her children. I'm here to have fun (side note: I work with kids. I LOVE kids and I could actually talk about them all day, especially their development and education).
I hate to even acknowledge that this is who I've become. How can I hate someone I don't even know?!
Jealousy is ugly, but I don't feel like I can do anything about it. It's not like being jealous of a better body or a better job. This is something I can not achieve by simply working harder.
It's hard, and the ugly green-eyed jealousy monster creeps up out of nowhere sometimes.
ReplyDeleteLike you, this is one thing I wish I could just work harder at and make happen.
Wish I could give you a hug. I am so, so sorry this is such a difficult time. Nobody should have to go through the fear and stress of infertility. Just know that everything you are going through IS normal. Even for that woman at the party who jokes callously about her bump... we all have dark, dark moments to hide from everyone else.
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