Saturday, February 19, 2011
This infertility mess comes in waves. This past week I've been busy with things other than fertility and what a nice break it was! I got over the fact that I tested early and I am now completely out of pregnancy tests. I plan to try my best not to buy more tests. If I do buy tests it wont be the end of the world, but I will be mad at myself, so I'm going to work hard to resist the urge.
Begin brain dump:
# I'm giving up alcohol (even wine, sigh) and candy for the next 6 weeks, starting Monday. I plan to splurge all weekend, but we have officially planned our next vacation and I refuse for this year's pics to look like last years pics!
# Today is my cousins baby shower for her second "oops" baby. She is happy, so congrats to her (albeit with gritted teeth).
# I picked up "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" again. I thought maybe we missed something. Surely there is more we can do, we can try harder. Alas, we are doing what we can and it's just not working. It doesn't matter how much I read about infertility.
# Most days I would say that I'll do anything to get pregnant. The fertility clinic says it's time to get more hormone testing. Why can't I drag myself in to get my FSH and estrodile tested?! At least if they find something wrong we'll know what's not working. What if they don't find anything wrong?! Will I ever know why I'm not working?
# How will I get over my fear and loathing of hospitals long enough to go get an HSG? I know I sound like a big baby, but on top of my fears there's also this strange love/hate relationship I have with uncertainty.
# I saw the CUTEST long sleeve onsie on clearance at Gap. My SIL says it's okay to buy things and put them away for later, but I can't decide...I don't want to jinx anything.
# What happens when we hit a year? Does my uterus just shrivel up and fall out? Why does it feel so final?! The pressure is on for the next two months. I hate to feel that way, but I can't help it!
# Being infertile really feels like a break up sometimes. I want something I can't have and every godforsaken little thing makes me think about it!!