Saturday, February 19, 2011

Brain Dump

This infertility mess comes in waves.  This past week I've been busy with things other than fertility and what a nice break it was!  I got over the fact that I tested early and I am now completely out of pregnancy tests.  I plan to try my best not to buy more tests.  If I do buy tests it wont be the end of the world, but I will be mad at myself, so I'm going to work hard to resist the urge.

Begin brain dump:

# I'm giving up alcohol (even wine, sigh) and candy for the next 6 weeks, starting Monday.  I plan to splurge all weekend, but we have officially planned our next vacation and I refuse for this year's pics to look like last years pics!

# Today is my cousins baby shower for her second "oops" baby. She is happy, so congrats to her (albeit with gritted teeth).

# I picked up "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" again.  I thought maybe we missed something.  Surely there is more we can do, we can try harder.  Alas, we are doing what we can and it's just not working.  It doesn't matter how much I read about infertility.

# Most days I would say that I'll do anything to get pregnant.  The fertility clinic says it's time to get more hormone testing.  Why can't I drag myself in to get my FSH and estrodile tested?!  At least if they find something wrong we'll know what's not working.  What if they don't find anything wrong?!  Will I ever know why I'm not working?

# How will I get over my fear and loathing of hospitals long enough to go get an HSG?  I know I sound like a big baby, but on top of my fears there's also this strange love/hate relationship I have with uncertainty.

# I saw the CUTEST long sleeve onsie on clearance at Gap. My SIL says it's okay to buy things and put them away for later, but I can't decide...I don't want to jinx anything.

# What happens when we hit a year?  Does my uterus just shrivel up and fall out?  Why does it feel so final?!  The pressure is on for the next two months.  I hate to feel that way, but I can't help it!

# Being infertile really feels like a break up sometimes.  I want something I can't have and every godforsaken little thing makes me think about it!!


  1. The year mark does make infertility seem more final, but no, your uterus doesn't just fall out, but if it did at least you would know the problem.

    You and I have the same thought process, I could have written this post.

  2. On the one hand, having my diagnosis of PCOS helped me, because I knew what the problem was. On the other hand, it made things worse, because "manic googling/pubmed obsession" was brought to whole new levels. The diagnosis didn't change anything... there was nothing I could do to fix things myself, and the path of treatment was still trial and error.

    This is all to say that it is never clear whether knowledge is a good thing or not. We want it, even when it stresses us out!

    If this is any encouragement, know that the HSG can often help you get pregnant... I think in the case of minor endometriosis, the HSG clears things out. More importantly, it turns out that the irritation causes by the fluid actually aids implantation. I realized I didn't have an HSG, but it was the same protocol, just no radiation -- can't remember the name of the other procedure. My clinic does these routinely, to improve odds of success for that cycle.

    Teehee. Your comment makes me think of preg tests being like an ex-boyfriend... they're bad, and we know it, but we just can't help going back!

  3. This is a great post, thanks for being so honest. I know what you mean about doing everything you can. It's overwhelming sometimes. I've read lots of book, but no baby yet!

    Good luck with the no alcohol/sugar thing..I'm on it too. It's been 6 days haha.