Here we go again. . I mean OMG this could be it. . .probably not, but you never know!

We are in convo with an expecting couple from Georgia. To say that I'm conflicted would be the understatement of the year. I am all over the place, but also really resolved that there isn't a thing I can do to make this time be THE TIME. In a way that feels good. I can relax and settle into not having control. On the other hand, I feel so jaded and that is keeping me from getting too excited.

------update/edit

I started this post a few weeks ago. So much has happened since then. The roller coaster is real. We are, as I type this, on our way to meet the expecting family. Our exchanges with EM we're going really well. EF also requested to talk to us (BOTH) on the phone and that seemed like a great sign! In the days since then we've been on quite the adventure. EF was arrested and locked up with a court date somewhere between 2 and 6 months. She's due Dec 5 and babies don't wait for their birth fathers to get out of jail. We were told he was picked up for driving on a suspended license, Google says otherwise. Shortly after this EM starts asking for help. Whatever income EF was getting is gone and now it's just her and her two littles. We spent the better half of a day working out how to get a gift card to someone who can't receive snail mail (address issues) and doesn't have Internet access to print an emailed gift card. I got too creative for Walmart's antiquated online gift card purchasing system and we had to settle for EM heading to a library to wait for a gift card that took literally hours to arrive to her inbox. What a fucking mess. Pardon my rage. Through all this she was patient and understanding. This isn't her first rodeo. She's put up with a lot. All of these women have. That's how they eventually make their way to us.

Fast forward a few days and EM is politely and embarrassingly asking for help with bail. We don't feel comfortable with this and our agency doesn't qualify it as a birth expense. I don't blame them for asking. They have two young kids and not only is she managing the family on her own now and dealing with separation from her husband, she has to come up with answers to the questions, "where is daddy?" "When's he coming home." My heart hurts just thinking about it.

Fast forward a few more days and our open adoption counselor goes out to visit both of them, separately. Apparently being in jail gives you time to think, but maybe too much. Somehow sitting in a cell has this guy feeling like he can't do it. What happens if he can't? We don't know and it's not for us to know, I suppose. Only time will tell.

Why in the hell are we on a plane headed straight for rejection and heartbreak? Because we'll never know if we don't try and I guess I'm willing to bare my heart for breaking as many times as it takes until I have a baby in my arms. I know how crazy that sounds, but I'm not cut out for just being an aunt and god(less) mother. I am a parent to the barest of my bones and for fuck's sake there's a baby that will experience the joys and ups and downs of being in our crazy beautiful family.