WTF IVF (round 2)

Well that was quite the break! We're going to fast forward past last summer where we *actually had a baby in our arms/care for a week then had to place her with her biological father AND past our first failed round of IVF earlier this year. If I don't start where I am right now, I'm afraid I wont get started at all.

We are in the very beginnings of a long protocol IVF cycle. You want to know the magic of IVF drugs? Those crazy hormones will tear into me before I've so much as prepared my first injection. Just driving to and walking into the pharmacy to pick up that pile of meds was hard on my psyche. I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about being infertile, but I can't say I'm walking on sunshine doing IVF either. It took A LOT to get to this point. Honestly I'm here out of desperation. I took the time that I needed. I came to IVF willingly, given what options have already been used up, but I'm not happy to be here. I thought I might be. I was a little excited before we started. I can't seem to find that excitement anymore. IVF itself feels so all consuming. It's in the back of my mind at any given moment. I'm doing my best to go about my usual routine (even tacking on a few extra challenges), but it's there taunting me. Like when I shot upright in bed Monday morning worried that I had a drs appointment that I forgot to set my alarm for. In fact, I was just mixing up that Monday was the last day of my bcps.

I went in for the official baseline ultrasound sound this morning. It means an early morning trek to the clinic, a thirty minute stop at the lab for blood draw and then the usual poke and probe of the internal ultrasound. The news feels bleak. We have 8 follicle right now (having only taken lupron so far, this isn't bad, but it's not good). Already my first question was, "what number is THE NUMBER where they call it off?" It's 4. My doctor is amazing and urged me not to be so negative from the beginning. I guess the bright side is that we're double that now and it can get better once I start my FSH. I can't deny I have this nagging feeling of WHY? Why do all this for 8 follicles?! We had only 6 retrieved last time and 17 were visible with the ultrasound. The truth is it's too early to tell. The other major point is that all of the nagging feelings get displaced by the one major feeling of hope, what if it works this time? Here goes nothing!